I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
