My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
