no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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