The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
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Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
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I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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