She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
