And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
