I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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