U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
