I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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