I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
