Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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