3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
