Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
