you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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