I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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