just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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