Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
