Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
