she takes plan B like it's going out of style
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
