At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
