the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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