you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
