Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
