Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
