cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
