I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
