In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
