We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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