So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
