if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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