So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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