It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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