i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
