Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Found the puke drawer
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.