Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
