she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
