My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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