I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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