He managed to light the Jello on fire...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
