Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
