Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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