Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
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