My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
