how can u be prego again
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
