I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
