Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
kristin has been a bad kristin
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
