Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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