The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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