How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
