we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
