youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
