The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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