this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
