I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
