i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
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Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
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YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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