Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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