There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
